Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Lately I've been feeling like my light is going out. The light that used to burn bright within. It gave me energy and a sense of purpose. I had hope for the future because I could see the path I wanted to take. Now it's just burning embers, barely enough light to keep me safe at night.

I've been letting people and life get to me. I feel worn down and frayed around the edges. I used to think I was worthy of love. Now I think I'm just barely good enough to be friend.

I think the problem is that for too long I let others be the source of my light. How they felt and treated me too soon became the only fuel. Of course my light is dying. They can only give me so little and usually they only give enough for a short burst of brilliant light. Once the show is over I'm left in a room that now feels darker than before they came.

I need to tap back into the source. I need to find my happiness again. A reason to wake up every morning. Inspiration and compassion to teach my students. I'm worried my bitterness will influence my moods when it comes to my students. I don't want them to think I don't care.

Problem is, I'm starting not to. I've become too wrapped up in finding surface level pleasure that I gave up the long lasting pleasure my faith and true friends can give me.

Ahhhh, how do I tap into the source?

First, by deleting numbers. Forget the phone at home. Stop becoming obsessed with what someone wants from me. You want me? Come and get me. I'm not going to play this game anymore.

Yeah, you have a gorgeous body. Yeah, you have a beautiful smile.

Screw you, my soul is beautiful. My curves are glorious. My smile will outshine the stars because my inner light will have been fed and be bursting from every part of my body.

Time to start feeding my light with a more sustaining fuel. *sigh*

Sunday, February 24, 2013


First of all: This

So for lent I decided to give up on men. Not exactly. More like superficial relationships with men. It's a good step for me. However, you know how it is when you give something up suddenly they are everywhere? IT'S HAPPENING.

Daegu I run into a guy who is a Personal Trainer. He is gorgeous. Funny. Smart. Speaks English (I dig Korean dudes). Likes me.
Yeah, he likes me. He says he likes me. I ask him constantly.

Andong I meet a guy who instantly says, "I will learn more English so I can talk with you." He's tall, handsome, has some tattoos, and has money. He made sure I got home alright and was so sweet. Pretty sure he likes me.

Daegu guy #2 He's a sweet guy. Not so tall but he makes up for it by making me laugh. Likes to party. Kind of a playboy. Likes me.

This doesn't happen...this just doesn't happen. I really like the first guy. He has his imperfections: 1. lives in daegu. 2. kind of childish and crude sense of humor. 3. constantly working

Meh--that's what's going on. When it rains, it pours. :(

I leave you with the words shouted by my sister the first house party I took her to:


I will persevere!

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Staying Positive

This past weekend started out amazing. I celebrated my friend’s birthday in Andong on Friday and we had a great time. I met an amazing guy and we danced all night. He said he wanted to see me again and we kissed when he had to go home. Usually, I don’t really believe guys when they tell me this. I’ve heard it many times. It’s the “Thanks for a good time, I’ll call yah” line. Usually it ends with an awkward wave, sometimes a thank you, and it’s always quick. So, why did I believe him? Why him?

I have no freaking clue. But it put me on cloud nine. It really got my weekend jump-started.

I had to go to Busan for another friend’s birthday. This city is about 3 hours away or a little less by bus. No problem. I had gotten there a little early so I could eat lunch while I waited for my two friends. Circumstances would have it that we missed the bus. One of us had to use the toilet and the bus driver was impatient and wouldn’t wait the extra minute. So, instead of taking the bus directly to Busan we decided to take the bus to Daegu and from there catch the train.

Once in Busan we found out the hard way that my friend’s house is pretty far from where we would be celebrating. After about two hours of additional traveling we then had to figure out how to meet up with everyone else. We took a bus and a taxi. All the while my good friend was complaining about the taxi prices. She said that missing the bus in Andong was a sign that this weekend was going to go badly. I tried to stay positive. I even offered to pay for her taxi ride since she was stressing so much.

The night out was great. We had a lot of fun. I had to push away the advances of other guys because I was still caught up in the glow of meeting someone in my city. What are the chances? Such a small town and such a great guy!

We make it back to our hotel and my friend has lost her cardigan. She left it at the club. A 600.00 cardigan. I try to stay positive and even offer to ask my mom to make one for her and that I’d pay for everything…Thankfully, after a lot of phone calls she locates it and someone promised to hold it at a local convenience store until she can pick it up.

The next day we head out around 1pm. To make a very long story short it took us about six hours to finally make it to the bus station. I stayed positive. When we finally got there we misread the time and missed our bus. So we had to wait another hour. My belt broke in the bathroom.

Still, I’m trying to stay positive.

Then I get the text message that would ultimately bring all my positive energy to a screeching haut. He doesn’t want to see me again.

The reasons are the normal ones. We are too different. He can’t casually date at his age. He said he hopes I find a good man and that he’s sorry.

No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m attracted to the men of this country that can’t even see me as a possible serious relationship. A Korean man and a foreign girl? That’s madness. I asked him if there was something wrong with me? Was I lacking in some area? Not funny enough? What?

Apparently I’m great…but he has to date seriously at his age.

I don’t think they realize how much it hurts when they say this. I had built up a wall and had decided a while ago not to let them get to my head. This one slipped in and was like a wrecking ball. I never thought I wouldn’t be considered marriage material. I’m not the girl you mess around with and move on. I’m the girl you marry.

I’ve learned the hard way that in this country, it’s the opposite.

So, after a tearful cry on a friend’s shoulder I’ve decided to keep positive. That I fell for this guy in such a short amount of time shows me that I’m not emotionally stunted like I thought I was. I realized that my value is much higher than I was selling myself for—my time, my energy, my kisses are all priceless and it’s about time I act like it.

Trying to stay positive.