Mercy

The last couple of weeks I've been feeling a little outside my usual self. I've been on the verge of tears but my stubborness in thinking "everything is alright" as stopped the flow.
In my selfish desire to protect myself from others I've become detatched and emotionless. I started to feel less genuine with my happiness, sadness, and even anger. I was starting to not care for the people around me. If I didn't care for them then they couldn't hurt me.

This, if you know me, does not mesh well with my personality.

Last night I finally started chipping away at what was really wrong. I finally opened up to the bible study group I've been attending for the past few months. I was afraid to tell them what I was really feeling. I was afraid they'd have hurt feelings that I wasn't ready to open up to them. I wasn't ready to let them in. Because of that I wasn't willing to travel with them or share my deep and personal thoughts. Really, I was also starting to feel like I had nothing to contribute to the group.
Here I am, an emotionally stunted person who can't let the Holy Spirit touch me during my favorite time, worship. When did that happen? When did I become so dry that even the small drops that make their way into my soul dribble off and drip down into space?

So this morning I've really tried to stop and reflect on those questions. Why did I harden my heart? Who am I becoming and is it who I'm destined to become?

A few weeks ago my friend talked about our relationship with God. I'd been brought up to see him as a Father figure but didn't really realize until then that I had "daddy" issues. I've grown up without one so I really didn't know how to see God as a Father.

You ever get that feeling that you've been shown something you weren't ready for? When it's meaning finally hits you you realize that the message has always been there but you weren't ready for it at that time. Or maybe it meant something different to you then as it does now.

This song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3OEsSflrFI

did it for me.
Here is the link for the lyrics.

When I first heard this song I thought about how I want God to be proud of me. I wanted to show my willingness to obey and throw myself at his feet.

Now I hear the words "When I look up, will you be smiling at me?" I immediately thought of myself looking up and seeing the face of a Father, nothing definite but the feeling was real. He was bigger than me and behind me pressing me closer to him, hands on my shoulders, looking down at me and smiling.

Such Mercy.


Suddenly I felt my heart fill. I started to accept the drops the holy spirit has been feeding me, urging life into my parched soul.


Now I think I understand the words of my friend, who posted this last week. I was a little confused by it and just brushed it off as a misinterpretation. The right message for the wrong person. 
"I feel like God wants to encourage the power in your gentleness. It's not in spite of your gentleness that you are powerful, but because of it. Proverbs 25:15 "Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone." Turn the hearts of kings with your patience. Break some bones with your gentleness!"

I've been afraid to show gentleness. To show any genuine affection or emotion for fear of putting a chip in the shield that guarded my heart from others. Wow, man. How did you know?

The Ugly Truth

Sometimes I read things from my friends (or people I know) on Facebook and I want to comment. I don't because I know that the truth is Ugly and when you're down the last thing you want to be faced with is the obvious.
So, instead of posting on their walls I'm going to write and reflect here. A safe place where anonymity will filter the truth. If at any point you think I'm talking about you specifically...I probably am.

A girl I haven't seen since high school recently posted a sad poem about her life. She's had a rough life. She's made some bad decisions. However, that doesn't mean she deserves what is happening to her. Yet, when I read her posts I can't help but think of answers to her "Why".

Why has the father of your child, the man who said loves you, suddenly decided that you aren't the one for him?
Is it because he is your man and not your husband?

I really do see the difference. Maybe it's how I was raised but I feel that calling someone "My Man" or "My Girl" doesn't hold a candle to "My Husband" or "My Wife".  Isn't that part of the reason why gay people are fighting for the right to marry? So they can, in a way, say "This person has committed themselves to me for better or for worse. In front of witnesses. Legally and spiritually."


She's not ready to hear that right now. I know.







Or for my friends (myself included) who constantly write about being cheated on, used, etc. I found a wonderful saying today that made everything clearer. If I could find the actual words again I'll edit this post and fix it.
It said something like, "The best thing a man can do is have respect for a woman. The best thing a woman can do is be worthy of that respect".

I interpreted it as...if you want the man to respect you then you yourself have to be respectable.

Makes sense, right? Why would a guy treat you better than a one night stand if you WERE the ONE NIGHT STAND.

Sure, there are people who don't mind the casual encounters. They do the customary number exchange the next day and walk off as if nothing happened.

However, there comes a point in time where that just isn't good enough. You want more. Perhaps the next one night stand could become more. However, why should it? I mean, unless you're lucky and the other person is looking for a forever thing then MAYBE it will work out. I guess I'm just finally seeing how the fragile and meaningless beginning can alter the rest of the relationship.

I mean, if you were easy to have...what makes you not easy to leave?


Ugly truth.

Weekend please?

This week I've been trying to stay positive...every time something bad happens I try to focus on the good.

Today...right now....I just need to vent. Then I'll be positive.


I had three grade 1 classes. All middle school girls fresh from their elementary schools. One teacher says that the lessons I have are great and the students understand. Even the little extra I did with adding "My Favorite Things" from the musical 'The Sound of Music'.

The other teacher says that it is too difficult. ALL week she has been saying my lessons are too difficult. Today in class she stopped me and suggested/commanded that I go over the answers with the class instead of testing them individually. I was testing them on the stuff we had JUST PRACTICED. So...I followed her 'suggestion' and gave them the answers. Instead of following through with the lesson plan I just gave them the answers. Why try?

Anyways...I think I'm just going to make two separate lessons for this grade. One lesson will be with one teacher and at a normal/higher level. The other lesson will be below average.

I don't know if I'm just not reading the student's reactions correctly or not but one of us is cheating our students. I want to challenge them...not baby them. I don't want to give them something so difficult they'll give up but I want them to see PATTERNS IN ENGLISH and USE THEM IN THE FUTURE.

How can I show them how to put the puzzle together if the teacher tells me to do it for them?


ARGH! BLAH BLAH MEH


WEEKEND PLEASE!?




It'll be OK. The weather is grand. I'm buying a GPS tomorrow so soon I'll be outside the city just driving...


AHhhhhhhhh...yesssssssssss.

made this today...

I had to rush to the potty...only one stall is "western" so I assumed that the Korean lady in front of me would take one of the other available toilets. Nope. She took the last one on the right.

"My spot"

*sigh*

Kids do the darndest things...

This week is our fist week of classes. My first years get the usual introduction:

Hi, my name is Amanda. I'm from America. I love animals. Etc.


Then we play the BINGO game. They have to find someone who can answer "Yes" to any of the questions that make an "X" on the board.

One question is: "Can you read English upside down?"

Now, this is the first time in the two years that I've had my students do this activity that it was taken quite literally.
A girl, wearing pants, proceeds to do a hand stand to prove that she can read English upside down.

I wish I had my camera!  This class quickly became my favorite class. I'm so happy I have them Friday Morning!!



On a more personal note I found out the hard way that I know absolutely NOTHING about men. In a recent Text message I might have accidentally insulted a man's pride. Actually, there is no "might" about it. I did. I didn't even realize it until my friend pointed it out. It's been a whole day and he hasn't responded to any of my text messages. I've apologized and tried to send sweet messages in hopes of balancing out the really hurtful thing I said.

One friend, trying to console me, said "Well, que sera sera...You were honest and that's what matters"

But I was honest over a TEXT MESSAGE. I should have waited. When I see him all thoughts fly out the window so I thought I should get it out before he makes me forget. *sigh*

What did I say?

Well...We met up last weekend and hung out for a short time. He had to work early so he was rushing me back to the hotel. I was already drunk and more than ready to go back. However, he was really rushing. He walked in front of me (That's a warning bell to me). He then proceeded to quickly get me undressed. We quickly had sex (Don't get me wrong--it was amazing). We quickly showered. He quickly slept afterwards. He apologized for needing sleep but he had to work really early in the morning. He wouldn't get out until late the next day (6am to 10pm). I understood that he needed the sleep but I felt cheap. So, I thought I should let him know how I felt.

I said, in a text message, "Walking was fast, sex was fast, shower was fast, sleeping was fast. I felt bad after"


He said "Sorry" and that's all. Nothing since. :(


Ahhhhhhhh, Kids do the darndest things :(

Lately I've been feeling like my light is going out. The light that used to burn bright within. It gave me energy and a sense of purpose. I had hope for the future because I could see the path I wanted to take. Now it's just burning embers, barely enough light to keep me safe at night.

I've been letting people and life get to me. I feel worn down and frayed around the edges. I used to think I was worthy of love. Now I think I'm just barely good enough to be friend.

I think the problem is that for too long I let others be the source of my light. How they felt and treated me too soon became the only fuel. Of course my light is dying. They can only give me so little and usually they only give enough for a short burst of brilliant light. Once the show is over I'm left in a room that now feels darker than before they came.

I need to tap back into the source. I need to find my happiness again. A reason to wake up every morning. Inspiration and compassion to teach my students. I'm worried my bitterness will influence my moods when it comes to my students. I don't want them to think I don't care.

Problem is, I'm starting not to. I've become too wrapped up in finding surface level pleasure that I gave up the long lasting pleasure my faith and true friends can give me.

Ahhhh, how do I tap into the source?


First, by deleting numbers. Forget the phone at home. Stop becoming obsessed with what someone wants from me. You want me? Come and get me. I'm not going to play this game anymore.

Yeah, you have a gorgeous body. Yeah, you have a beautiful smile.

Screw you, my soul is beautiful. My curves are glorious. My smile will outshine the stars because my inner light will have been fed and be bursting from every part of my body.

Time to start feeding my light with a more sustaining fuel. *sigh*

Lent

First of all: This

So for lent I decided to give up on men. Not exactly. More like superficial relationships with men. It's a good step for me. However, you know how it is when you give something up suddenly they are everywhere? IT'S HAPPENING.

Daegu I run into a guy who is a Personal Trainer. He is gorgeous. Funny. Smart. Speaks English (I dig Korean dudes). Likes me.
Yeah, he likes me. He says he likes me. I ask him constantly.

Andong I meet a guy who instantly says, "I will learn more English so I can talk with you." He's tall, handsome, has some tattoos, and has money. He made sure I got home alright and was so sweet. Pretty sure he likes me.

Daegu guy #2 He's a sweet guy. Not so tall but he makes up for it by making me laugh. Likes to party. Kind of a playboy. Likes me.


This doesn't happen...this just doesn't happen. I really like the first guy. He has his imperfections: 1. lives in daegu. 2. kind of childish and crude sense of humor. 3. constantly working

Meh--that's what's going on. When it rains, it pours. :(



I leave you with the words shouted by my sister the first house party I took her to:

TEMPTOR!! TEMPTATION!!



I will persevere!

Staying Positive

This past weekend started out amazing. I celebrated my friend’s birthday in Andong on Friday and we had a great time. I met an amazing guy and we danced all night. He said he wanted to see me again and we kissed when he had to go home. Usually, I don’t really believe guys when they tell me this. I’ve heard it many times. It’s the “Thanks for a good time, I’ll call yah” line. Usually it ends with an awkward wave, sometimes a thank you, and it’s always quick. So, why did I believe him? Why him?




I have no freaking clue. But it put me on cloud nine. It really got my weekend jump-started.



I had to go to Busan for another friend’s birthday. This city is about 3 hours away or a little less by bus. No problem. I had gotten there a little early so I could eat lunch while I waited for my two friends. Circumstances would have it that we missed the bus. One of us had to use the toilet and the bus driver was impatient and wouldn’t wait the extra minute. So, instead of taking the bus directly to Busan we decided to take the bus to Daegu and from there catch the train.



Once in Busan we found out the hard way that my friend’s house is pretty far from where we would be celebrating. After about two hours of additional traveling we then had to figure out how to meet up with everyone else. We took a bus and a taxi. All the while my good friend was complaining about the taxi prices. She said that missing the bus in Andong was a sign that this weekend was going to go badly. I tried to stay positive. I even offered to pay for her taxi ride since she was stressing so much.



The night out was great. We had a lot of fun. I had to push away the advances of other guys because I was still caught up in the glow of meeting someone in my city. What are the chances? Such a small town and such a great guy!



We make it back to our hotel and my friend has lost her cardigan. She left it at the club. A 600.00 cardigan. I try to stay positive and even offer to ask my mom to make one for her and that I’d pay for everything…Thankfully, after a lot of phone calls she locates it and someone promised to hold it at a local convenience store until she can pick it up.



The next day we head out around 1pm. To make a very long story short it took us about six hours to finally make it to the bus station. I stayed positive. When we finally got there we misread the time and missed our bus. So we had to wait another hour. My belt broke in the bathroom.



Still, I’m trying to stay positive.



Then I get the text message that would ultimately bring all my positive energy to a screeching haut. He doesn’t want to see me again.



The reasons are the normal ones. We are too different. He can’t casually date at his age. He said he hopes I find a good man and that he’s sorry.



No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m attracted to the men of this country that can’t even see me as a possible serious relationship. A Korean man and a foreign girl? That’s madness. I asked him if there was something wrong with me? Was I lacking in some area? Not funny enough? What?

Apparently I’m great…but he has to date seriously at his age.



I don’t think they realize how much it hurts when they say this. I had built up a wall and had decided a while ago not to let them get to my head. This one slipped in and was like a wrecking ball. I never thought I wouldn’t be considered marriage material. I’m not the girl you mess around with and move on. I’m the girl you marry.

I’ve learned the hard way that in this country, it’s the opposite.



So, after a tearful cry on a friend’s shoulder I’ve decided to keep positive. That I fell for this guy in such a short amount of time shows me that I’m not emotionally stunted like I thought I was. I realized that my value is much higher than I was selling myself for—my time, my energy, my kisses are all priceless and it’s about time I act like it.



Trying to stay positive.

Pay it forward.

I hope this works...

This video inspired me. Today I was a little bitter, a little negative, a little unlovable. All because the windows were open in an already cold office. Because I knew I'd be at the office all day with NOTHING to do. It wears on me to the point where I feel like there is little good left in me.

This video reminded me of all the times I've tried to pay it forward and have received love in return.

There was one instance in particular when I was in Thailand. We were at a HUGE beach party, Full Moon Party, and things were getting crazy. One woman was very drunk and very pushy because of it. She was angry, bitter, and had no problem swinging her little weight around. A different girl jumped up on the stool and was dancing. I saw that her shoe was untied and asked if I could tie it. The bitter drunk lady tried to slap at my hands asking "Why do you do this to her? She will probably kick you in the face for your trouble." The girl on the stool didn't hear it and was laughing at the fact that I was tying her shoe. She found it so funny she lifted her other foot for me to tie that one as well. I wasn't insulted but the other woman was. She started to yell at the stool dancing girl.
I calmed her down with these words: "I do this because I don't want her to fall off the stool because of her laces. I would feel bad and she would be hurt. Why can't I do this kindness for someone else? Let me do this."
The lady stopped and stared. I finished tying the girl's other shoe and didn't care if I got a 'thanks' or not. Seeing the other woman's confusion I smiled and tried to explain, "Really, it's for selfish reasons. I'll be able to have more fun knowing that the girl won't trip because of this. Everyone will have more fun because there won't be a bloody drunk girl sprawled across the sand." I patted the poor woman on the shoulder and said, "I'd do the same for you."
I think I just rocked her socks off. Ha ha.

Later that night there was a bar fight. I was in the middle of it. One dude saw that I might be in danger and litterally dragged me away. I see that as a "Pay it forward" There was NO way I would have been able to get out of there on my own steam. The crowd was too thick.


So, we didn't paint a wall. We didn't give a baby it's toy. We didn't rake our neighbors leaves.
I tied a shoe. He got me out of a fight. I hope someone saw and paid it forward.

My After School Activities

So, I plan on buying a car mainly so I can help out a lot more than I've been able to in the past. I want to be able to help out in cases like these:

This is Saelum. She needs a home. When she was a baby her eye became infected and ruptured. It doesn't stop her from being sweet and kind. If fact, I can't help but think she's a pirate. Ha ha.

This is Bobae. He was sick as a baby too which is why his eyes are a little cloudy. He can see perfectly fine and is super affectionate!!

This is Silverstar. She's a loner. Doesn't like anything but people. I kind of like that about her. She's the opposite of me. Ha ha.

This is Tinkerbell. Sweet Overlord of all that is cute.

And last, but not least, Acalia. She's shy and needs a lot of love in order for her to return affection. She doesn't like anyone or anything...except Tinkerbell.

These are the current animals I'm trying to help find homes :)

Funny Principal :)

Sippin' on my coffee and the principal comes up to me. First thing he says is, "Do you know Adam and Eve?"


Where is this going? He knows I'm a Christian since we've had this discussion before. So, with a little confusion I say "Yes".
He then proceeds to say:

"Adam was in the garden talking to God and asks, 'God, why did you make woman so beautiful?' God says 'It is simple, so you will love her.'

Adam then replies, 'God, why did you make woman with long flowing hair soft to touch and reflecting the light around them?'

God again replies 'It is simple, so you will love her.'

... ... Adam has one more question 'God, then why is woman so dumb?'

God takes a moment before responding, 'Tis simple, so she will love you.' "



I almost choked on my coffee. Ha ha ha ha...Way to go Principal. Way to go...

Desk Warming: Day 1

My desk warming log:


I walk to school. A fools notion that I'd get a kick start to my resolution to be more healthy for the year 2013. My steps are slow and my breath is labored but the music buzzing into my ears keeps me going. I get to the top of the mountain and see my school, it's bright red and white covering a sharp contrast to the winter blue sky in the background. My eyes seek out any sign of life--none but a weathered old man devout to his own exercise regimen that neither snow nor rain nor heat nor darkness can keep him from accomplishing his appointed course with all speed. No cars. I’m alone, it would seem. I stomp up the steps and notice a splash of color. Oh no!!! A bird (a kind of finch, I think) has flown into the glass doors. Its helpless flutters and tweets sing a sad song to that fills soul with sorrow. I bend down to scoop up the scared creature in my gloved hands. I coo and speak softly as I gently check its little body for serious injury. I know to act quickly because its panic is strong. Cupping it close to the warmth of my body I tug my own glove off and lay it on the ground, a resting spot for the bird until it gets its bearings. I lay it lovingly on the glove as my heart beats quickly for the joy that maybe, just maybe, this little life could be saved. As I rise up to go into the office I hear another little tweet and then nothing. The stillness in the air and the absence of its little wings fluttering tell me that my actions had proved in vain. Its little life was over. Upon reflection I can’t help but see the correlation of his death to the death of this year. How fitting, and sad, that both shall end. However, I shall take heart in this little one’s life and death and continue forward into the near year. Happy New Years Eve!! May your 2013 be filled with Love, Joy, Peace, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, and Gentleness.

Bullying

The other day I found out that one of my students has been the victim of bullying. Pissed me off to no end. She's one of my best students who dances to the beat of her own drum. I remember when I first met her last year and she told me that she wanted to be a UN Interpreter or a Fashion model. She thinks she could both but the stress from both jobs would ultimately be too much so she has to choose between the two.
She's a bit awkward but in an endearing way. I've always been envious of the people who seem to just KNOW who they are and don't give a fig newton what other people think.

To find out that she is being bullied because she dares to be different makes me see red. When I found out about it I wanted to hunt the girl down and demand names, class numbers, and home addresses. Sadly, there is a communication barrier so even if I did find the girls who messed with her I wouldn't be able to say anything that they'd understand.

Thankfully the school is handling it. They are having a meeting today where the bullies are told to join so they can be punished (not physically) by the entire staff. Their parents have been invited as well. Apparently there had been death threats made and it scared her enough to tell her parents.

Her entire middle school life so far has been filled with situations like this. I remember a time last year when her friends decided to make fun of her and call her nasty names. She came to me crying and it took everything in me not to want to step up and find the girls who made her cry. I get possessive and it saddens me that I felt the need to protect her from my students.

I love all of my students dearly and I just wish that they would get along and just be friendly with each other. Kids are cruel though (as are adults) so I'm not sure how this meeting will actually help my girl. In fact, it might hurt her in the long run. I just wish that uniqueness could be celebrated instead of damned. That intelligence could be awarded instead of criticized.

I guess that's asking for too damn much.

Happy Chuseok!

Actually, it's finished, but the party is still going. This year Chuseok fell on one of the biggest festival days in Korea=The Andong Mask Dance Festival!

This entire week I've been lazy and haven't done much. I've gone to the Mask Dance and partied all night and met some pretty cool people. Since this is my third one the excitement isn't as high. I haven't taken any pictures and might not. Really, it's just like last year and the year before.
This time, however, I"m on the commercial for the Mask Dance!! Too bad I can't find it online or else I'd show you. My friend Sara and I were taken from the crowd and asked to learn one of the traditional dances. They were video taping it and it was a lot of fun. :D I feel like a movie star!!

The beautiful part about Chuseok for a foreigner are the days off. I only have to go to school on Thursday and then I'm done for the week. On Friday I get to go on a picnic to a Herb Garden with my 1st graders. I'm hoping for wonderful weather :D Every picnic for the past two years has been rainy and quite depressing.

A quick one :)

Me: Why did you want to be a teacher?


Co Teacher: That is a question I ask myself sometimes when the lights are out and I am in bed.

Funny moments brought to you by...

This week I'm having my first year students act out skits about sickness and injuries. I've had a few wonderful deomonstrations but today was the best so far.

A group of girls dressed up using paper props and reinacted a car accident. One girl promptly began acting like she'd broken her neck and was demanding money from the other driver. The other driver refused so they had to call the police. The police woman took the "Injured" girl to the hospital where the doctor said she was "just fine."



Another group of girls had lots of props. One girl came in complaining of having an injury--she'd broken her arm. She even went so far as to shout when the other girl thought to take her by the hand and lead her towards the "doctor". They had drawn pictures of X-rays and even pretended to give her a shot. Amazing. Just when I thought it was over the patient's mother came in dressed in flowery print clothes, fake (paper lips), and crying "MY BABY!!" When the mom found out her daughter was going to be OK she took out her mirror and started putting on her Chanel lipstick. Hilarious!

One group had their patient die...

All in all I'm very impressed with my first year students. =)

Apology letters

When my students use make up, mirrors, mp3, or their cell phone in class I take it away and won't give it back until I get an apology from them. Usually they write it themselves or have a friend help them with it. Today I got one that was totally google tranlated.

Amanda sir? I class at the time by touching the mirror Teacher cours, I'll clear that for the first time that depriving Touching momentarily forgot to boldly really worry. Am on the mirror Amanda in fhte future to avoid such a thing to keep in mind the teacher who taught me how to forget the rules and they'll remember.
To avoid his to happen again I'll ask once. Back mirror we not?

사과문 = Apology

늘 행복하시기를 = Always be happy (I hope you will be happy)
주위에있는영어찾아서적었어요 = I used English Dictionary to write this.

Funny Moments

So I've been wondering what I should be writing about in this blog. Everyone has a unique experience in Korea but the gereral theme is the same. Rather boring for someone who has lived her for two years already. So, instead I'm going to take a leaf from Bill Cosby's book and talk about some of the things my kids say or do.
Two instances readily come to mind and here they are:

My school has two buildings. The 3rd grade is in one building and the 1st and 2nd grade are in the other building.
As I was walking to class I spotted some grade three students quickly opening all of the windows in the grade 2 hallway. They were laughing quietly and acting quite suspicious. I walked over to the group and asked what they were doing. After a long debate in broken English and Phone Dictiontionaries this is how it ultimately went.
Me: What are you doing?
Student: Opening the windows. Mosquitoes outside.
Me: Having Mosquitoes outside is good, right?
Student: No, Mosquitoes inside. Bite 2nd year students.
Me:.....(This is my time to think about what I just heard. There had to be a mistake).
Seeing that I was rather confused one student bravely said:

"Biological Warfare."

Brilliant.






Another time we were playing a BOMB game in class. A bomb game is a review game on the computer using power point. In this game randomly a "Bomb" would explode and the team would lose their points. Sometimes the teams would be forced to trade points and other times they would have to give some of their points away.
Group 3 had to give all of their points to Group 1. When it was Group 1's turn they had the question "What do you THINK of this game." The usual response would include "I think this game is...." or "I feel this game is...." or "In my opinion this game is...."
Of course, every once in a while you get a wise response and this class did not disappoint. After a very short time one student looked at group 3 and said, "I think this game...is like life." Her smile was a little triumphant so I think she liked that she was on the winning side of life at the moment. My co-teacher and I laughed for a while. So refreshing :)

Declaration of Love

My boyfriend of 8 months and I haven't had the best run of things. We come from different cultures and many times miscommunication leads to hurt feelings and cold nights alone.

I've personally tried my best to make sure that things run smoothly. I've been cleaning house, making dinner, greeting him how he likes to be greeted when he comes home from work. I know I'm moody and as my way of saying "Thanks for being so patient" I try to make his life easier by easing some of the stress of coming home to a messy apt can bring.

I've even started to cook some of his favorite foods. It has been a trial for me but I push through it.

I'm not perfect. I'm really moody some times and lately I haven't been very happy. I'm tired all the time and can't hold two thought together. I went to the doctor to have some blood tests done and everything came out normal. I can only assume that I'm depressed again. I know if I can just get outside and exercising again I'll feel better. I just don't have the ENERGY for it. I'm in a bad place.

Previous arguments that we've had were about his insensitivity concerning my weight. I'm a big girl. I'm very sensitive about my weight. He has his own insecurities that I try VERY hard not to mention in public or to him. That includes changing my acutal language and slang. It has been difficult but out of respect for him I've made this sacrifice. In the long run what are a few missing words when it comes to love?

From previous relationships I've found that I'm the one that clings and tries to hold on to something that isn't there. This guy is different. It has only been a couple of weeks that I feel like he's changed his attitude towards me. I know it is because of my weight. I know it. This morning he proved it.

It is my fault for being so sensitive but I can't cry over it anymore. He made a tasteless joke about the suspension of his car on my side being different than his...because of the weight. My side is lower than his.

I want to end this. I'm so tired. I'm not happy with myself so how can I be expected to love and be happy with someone else?

After an argument the other day I asked him to prove to me that he loved me. He has apologized for what he said but today...today was just hurtful. I had asked him to prove to me that he loved me and instead he bared my insecurity and laughed at it.

I want to end this...but I love him. Now I have to ask myself this: Would I rather be lonely than unhappy?

I deserve better

What do you do when you reach that point in your life to do you realize that you deserve better? What if these feelings you have developed are towards a friendship that has been strong for the past 10 years? Holy crap; ten years is shooting low. How about 16 years?


Or a friendship that was going strong but now is starting to fade. The time was short and the pain is more superficial than anything but the pain is still intense.

Or maybe I’m just a jealous person in need of attention when I’m feeling down. My boyfriend wants to fix everything so he tells me he doesn’t like my friend. Well, that doesn’t help and I tell him that. So he changes tactics and says “talk to her.”

“Talk to her.”

Sounds easy but it will be so difficult. When it comes to verbal exchanges with friends I tend to back down and just say “My fault, I misunderstood. I was stupid for thinking that. I’m sorry.” I never hold my ground and then we slip back to what we were. My friend going through her life with little cares, with a huge group of people willing to listen to her and help her through all of life’s difficulties while the accuser is left to be there when she thinks about her.

I gave up being the friend in High School that craved her attention and in fact I even became a little bitter towards her because of it. I forgave her and moved on when I realized I could have my own happy life without her influence on it. However, now we’re back in the same city and it feels like High School all over again. But this time I’m not the wall flower but the butterfly going out and meeting people every weekend. I used to invite her but messages and phone calls were left unanswered. She told me she doesn’t like going to that side of town. So I stopped inviting her.

God it feels like High School again. Except now I know I deserve better.

Can two old friends continue a relationship where one was the dominant and the other the submissive in the past but now they can be on equal ground?

Can I handle any hurt feelings? Who will cry first? Will she care? Will she even answer my message?