Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Declaration of Love

My boyfriend of 8 months and I haven't had the best run of things. We come from different cultures and many times miscommunication leads to hurt feelings and cold nights alone.

I've personally tried my best to make sure that things run smoothly. I've been cleaning house, making dinner, greeting him how he likes to be greeted when he comes home from work. I know I'm moody and as my way of saying "Thanks for being so patient" I try to make his life easier by easing some of the stress of coming home to a messy apt can bring.

I've even started to cook some of his favorite foods. It has been a trial for me but I push through it.

I'm not perfect. I'm really moody some times and lately I haven't been very happy. I'm tired all the time and can't hold two thought together. I went to the doctor to have some blood tests done and everything came out normal. I can only assume that I'm depressed again. I know if I can just get outside and exercising again I'll feel better. I just don't have the ENERGY for it. I'm in a bad place.

Previous arguments that we've had were about his insensitivity concerning my weight. I'm a big girl. I'm very sensitive about my weight. He has his own insecurities that I try VERY hard not to mention in public or to him. That includes changing my acutal language and slang. It has been difficult but out of respect for him I've made this sacrifice. In the long run what are a few missing words when it comes to love?

From previous relationships I've found that I'm the one that clings and tries to hold on to something that isn't there. This guy is different. It has only been a couple of weeks that I feel like he's changed his attitude towards me. I know it is because of my weight. I know it. This morning he proved it.

It is my fault for being so sensitive but I can't cry over it anymore. He made a tasteless joke about the suspension of his car on my side being different than his...because of the weight. My side is lower than his.

I want to end this. I'm so tired. I'm not happy with myself so how can I be expected to love and be happy with someone else?

After an argument the other day I asked him to prove to me that he loved me. He has apologized for what he said but today...today was just hurtful. I had asked him to prove to me that he loved me and instead he bared my insecurity and laughed at it.

I want to end this...but I love him. Now I have to ask myself this: Would I rather be lonely than unhappy?

Sunday, June 10, 2012

I deserve better

What do you do when you reach that point in your life to do you realize that you deserve better? What if these feelings you have developed are towards a friendship that has been strong for the past 10 years? Holy crap; ten years is shooting low. How about 16 years?

Or a friendship that was going strong but now is starting to fade. The time was short and the pain is more superficial than anything but the pain is still intense.

Or maybe I’m just a jealous person in need of attention when I’m feeling down. My boyfriend wants to fix everything so he tells me he doesn’t like my friend. Well, that doesn’t help and I tell him that. So he changes tactics and says “talk to her.”

“Talk to her.”

Sounds easy but it will be so difficult. When it comes to verbal exchanges with friends I tend to back down and just say “My fault, I misunderstood. I was stupid for thinking that. I’m sorry.” I never hold my ground and then we slip back to what we were. My friend going through her life with little cares, with a huge group of people willing to listen to her and help her through all of life’s difficulties while the accuser is left to be there when she thinks about her.

I gave up being the friend in High School that craved her attention and in fact I even became a little bitter towards her because of it. I forgave her and moved on when I realized I could have my own happy life without her influence on it. However, now we’re back in the same city and it feels like High School all over again. But this time I’m not the wall flower but the butterfly going out and meeting people every weekend. I used to invite her but messages and phone calls were left unanswered. She told me she doesn’t like going to that side of town. So I stopped inviting her.

God it feels like High School again. Except now I know I deserve better.

Can two old friends continue a relationship where one was the dominant and the other the submissive in the past but now they can be on equal ground?

Can I handle any hurt feelings? Who will cry first? Will she care? Will she even answer my message?