Sunday, June 10, 2012

I deserve better

What do you do when you reach that point in your life to do you realize that you deserve better? What if these feelings you have developed are towards a friendship that has been strong for the past 10 years? Holy crap; ten years is shooting low. How about 16 years?

Or a friendship that was going strong but now is starting to fade. The time was short and the pain is more superficial than anything but the pain is still intense.

Or maybe I’m just a jealous person in need of attention when I’m feeling down. My boyfriend wants to fix everything so he tells me he doesn’t like my friend. Well, that doesn’t help and I tell him that. So he changes tactics and says “talk to her.”

“Talk to her.”

Sounds easy but it will be so difficult. When it comes to verbal exchanges with friends I tend to back down and just say “My fault, I misunderstood. I was stupid for thinking that. I’m sorry.” I never hold my ground and then we slip back to what we were. My friend going through her life with little cares, with a huge group of people willing to listen to her and help her through all of life’s difficulties while the accuser is left to be there when she thinks about her.

I gave up being the friend in High School that craved her attention and in fact I even became a little bitter towards her because of it. I forgave her and moved on when I realized I could have my own happy life without her influence on it. However, now we’re back in the same city and it feels like High School all over again. But this time I’m not the wall flower but the butterfly going out and meeting people every weekend. I used to invite her but messages and phone calls were left unanswered. She told me she doesn’t like going to that side of town. So I stopped inviting her.

God it feels like High School again. Except now I know I deserve better.

Can two old friends continue a relationship where one was the dominant and the other the submissive in the past but now they can be on equal ground?

Can I handle any hurt feelings? Who will cry first? Will she care? Will she even answer my message?


Anonymous said...

You should just talk to her. And tell her how she has made you feel all these years. Being open in sharing your feelings is the first step to recovering. Life is too short to remain so bitter. I hoped this helped :)

Amanda Messer said...

Thanks :) I did. I realized that my unhappiness with my friend is probably coming from another area in my life where I'm not happy.

She basically told me I was wrong and called bullshit on some of the things I had to I've decided to just treat her how she wants to be treated. *sigh* I hate being an adult.

Thank you for your comment!