Thursday, May 23, 2013

Mercy

The last couple of weeks I've been feeling a little outside my usual self. I've been on the verge of tears but my stubborness in thinking "everything is alright" as stopped the flow.
In my selfish desire to protect myself from others I've become detatched and emotionless. I started to feel less genuine with my happiness, sadness, and even anger. I was starting to not care for the people around me. If I didn't care for them then they couldn't hurt me.

This, if you know me, does not mesh well with my personality.

Last night I finally started chipping away at what was really wrong. I finally opened up to the bible study group I've been attending for the past few months. I was afraid to tell them what I was really feeling. I was afraid they'd have hurt feelings that I wasn't ready to open up to them. I wasn't ready to let them in. Because of that I wasn't willing to travel with them or share my deep and personal thoughts. Really, I was also starting to feel like I had nothing to contribute to the group.
Here I am, an emotionally stunted person who can't let the Holy Spirit touch me during my favorite time, worship. When did that happen? When did I become so dry that even the small drops that make their way into my soul dribble off and drip down into space?

So this morning I've really tried to stop and reflect on those questions. Why did I harden my heart? Who am I becoming and is it who I'm destined to become?

A few weeks ago my friend talked about our relationship with God. I'd been brought up to see him as a Father figure but didn't really realize until then that I had "daddy" issues. I've grown up without one so I really didn't know how to see God as a Father.

You ever get that feeling that you've been shown something you weren't ready for? When it's meaning finally hits you you realize that the message has always been there but you weren't ready for it at that time. Or maybe it meant something different to you then as it does now.

This song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3OEsSflrFI
video
did it for me.
Here is the link for the lyrics.

When I first heard this song I thought about how I want God to be proud of me. I wanted to show my willingness to obey and throw myself at his feet.

Now I hear the words "When I look up, will you be smiling at me?" I immediately thought of myself looking up and seeing the face of a Father, nothing definite but the feeling was real. He was bigger than me and behind me pressing me closer to him, hands on my shoulders, looking down at me and smiling.

Such Mercy.


Suddenly I felt my heart fill. I started to accept the drops the holy spirit has been feeding me, urging life into my parched soul.


Now I think I understand the words of my friend, who posted this last week. I was a little confused by it and just brushed it off as a misinterpretation. The right message for the wrong person. 
"I feel like God wants to encourage the power in your gentleness. It's not in spite of your gentleness that you are powerful, but because of it. Proverbs 25:15 "Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone." Turn the hearts of kings with your patience. Break some bones with your gentleness!"

I've been afraid to show gentleness. To show any genuine affection or emotion for fear of putting a chip in the shield that guarded my heart from others. Wow, man. How did you know?

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Ugly Truth

Sometimes I read things from my friends (or people I know) on Facebook and I want to comment. I don't because I know that the truth is Ugly and when you're down the last thing you want to be faced with is the obvious.
So, instead of posting on their walls I'm going to write and reflect here. A safe place where anonymity will filter the truth. If at any point you think I'm talking about you specifically...I probably am.

A girl I haven't seen since high school recently posted a sad poem about her life. She's had a rough life. She's made some bad decisions. However, that doesn't mean she deserves what is happening to her. Yet, when I read her posts I can't help but think of answers to her "Why".

Why has the father of your child, the man who said loves you, suddenly decided that you aren't the one for him?
Is it because he is your man and not your husband?

I really do see the difference. Maybe it's how I was raised but I feel that calling someone "My Man" or "My Girl" doesn't hold a candle to "My Husband" or "My Wife".  Isn't that part of the reason why gay people are fighting for the right to marry? So they can, in a way, say "This person has committed themselves to me for better or for worse. In front of witnesses. Legally and spiritually."


She's not ready to hear that right now. I know.







Or for my friends (myself included) who constantly write about being cheated on, used, etc. I found a wonderful saying today that made everything clearer. If I could find the actual words again I'll edit this post and fix it.
It said something like, "The best thing a man can do is have respect for a woman. The best thing a woman can do is be worthy of that respect".

I interpreted it as...if you want the man to respect you then you yourself have to be respectable.

Makes sense, right? Why would a guy treat you better than a one night stand if you WERE the ONE NIGHT STAND.

Sure, there are people who don't mind the casual encounters. They do the customary number exchange the next day and walk off as if nothing happened.

However, there comes a point in time where that just isn't good enough. You want more. Perhaps the next one night stand could become more. However, why should it? I mean, unless you're lucky and the other person is looking for a forever thing then MAYBE it will work out. I guess I'm just finally seeing how the fragile and meaningless beginning can alter the rest of the relationship.

I mean, if you were easy to have...what makes you not easy to leave?


Ugly truth.


Thursday, March 14, 2013

Weekend please?

This week I've been trying to stay positive...every time something bad happens I try to focus on the good.

Today...right now....I just need to vent. Then I'll be positive.


I had three grade 1 classes. All middle school girls fresh from their elementary schools. One teacher says that the lessons I have are great and the students understand. Even the little extra I did with adding "My Favorite Things" from the musical 'The Sound of Music'.

The other teacher says that it is too difficult. ALL week she has been saying my lessons are too difficult. Today in class she stopped me and suggested/commanded that I go over the answers with the class instead of testing them individually. I was testing them on the stuff we had JUST PRACTICED. So...I followed her 'suggestion' and gave them the answers. Instead of following through with the lesson plan I just gave them the answers. Why try?

Anyways...I think I'm just going to make two separate lessons for this grade. One lesson will be with one teacher and at a normal/higher level. The other lesson will be below average.

I don't know if I'm just not reading the student's reactions correctly or not but one of us is cheating our students. I want to challenge them...not baby them. I don't want to give them something so difficult they'll give up but I want them to see PATTERNS IN ENGLISH and USE THEM IN THE FUTURE.

How can I show them how to put the puzzle together if the teacher tells me to do it for them?


ARGH! BLAH BLAH MEH


WEEKEND PLEASE!?




It'll be OK. The weather is grand. I'm buying a GPS tomorrow so soon I'll be outside the city just driving...


AHhhhhhhhh...yesssssssssss.

Friday, March 8, 2013

made this today...

I had to rush to the potty...only one stall is "western" so I assumed that the Korean lady in front of me would take one of the other available toilets. Nope. She took the last one on the right.

"My spot"

*sigh*

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Kids do the darndest things...

This week is our fist week of classes. My first years get the usual introduction:

Hi, my name is Amanda. I'm from America. I love animals. Etc.


Then we play the BINGO game. They have to find someone who can answer "Yes" to any of the questions that make an "X" on the board.

One question is: "Can you read English upside down?"

Now, this is the first time in the two years that I've had my students do this activity that it was taken quite literally.
A girl, wearing pants, proceeds to do a hand stand to prove that she can read English upside down.

I wish I had my camera!  This class quickly became my favorite class. I'm so happy I have them Friday Morning!!



On a more personal note I found out the hard way that I know absolutely NOTHING about men. In a recent Text message I might have accidentally insulted a man's pride. Actually, there is no "might" about it. I did. I didn't even realize it until my friend pointed it out. It's been a whole day and he hasn't responded to any of my text messages. I've apologized and tried to send sweet messages in hopes of balancing out the really hurtful thing I said.

One friend, trying to console me, said "Well, que sera sera...You were honest and that's what matters"

But I was honest over a TEXT MESSAGE. I should have waited. When I see him all thoughts fly out the window so I thought I should get it out before he makes me forget. *sigh*

What did I say?

Well...We met up last weekend and hung out for a short time. He had to work early so he was rushing me back to the hotel. I was already drunk and more than ready to go back. However, he was really rushing. He walked in front of me (That's a warning bell to me). He then proceeded to quickly get me undressed. We quickly had sex (Don't get me wrong--it was amazing). We quickly showered. He quickly slept afterwards. He apologized for needing sleep but he had to work really early in the morning. He wouldn't get out until late the next day (6am to 10pm). I understood that he needed the sleep but I felt cheap. So, I thought I should let him know how I felt.

I said, in a text message, "Walking was fast, sex was fast, shower was fast, sleeping was fast. I felt bad after"


He said "Sorry" and that's all. Nothing since. :(


Ahhhhhhhh, Kids do the darndest things :(

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Lately I've been feeling like my light is going out. The light that used to burn bright within. It gave me energy and a sense of purpose. I had hope for the future because I could see the path I wanted to take. Now it's just burning embers, barely enough light to keep me safe at night.

I've been letting people and life get to me. I feel worn down and frayed around the edges. I used to think I was worthy of love. Now I think I'm just barely good enough to be friend.

I think the problem is that for too long I let others be the source of my light. How they felt and treated me too soon became the only fuel. Of course my light is dying. They can only give me so little and usually they only give enough for a short burst of brilliant light. Once the show is over I'm left in a room that now feels darker than before they came.

I need to tap back into the source. I need to find my happiness again. A reason to wake up every morning. Inspiration and compassion to teach my students. I'm worried my bitterness will influence my moods when it comes to my students. I don't want them to think I don't care.

Problem is, I'm starting not to. I've become too wrapped up in finding surface level pleasure that I gave up the long lasting pleasure my faith and true friends can give me.

Ahhhh, how do I tap into the source?


First, by deleting numbers. Forget the phone at home. Stop becoming obsessed with what someone wants from me. You want me? Come and get me. I'm not going to play this game anymore.

Yeah, you have a gorgeous body. Yeah, you have a beautiful smile.

Screw you, my soul is beautiful. My curves are glorious. My smile will outshine the stars because my inner light will have been fed and be bursting from every part of my body.

Time to start feeding my light with a more sustaining fuel. *sigh*

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Lent

First of all: This


So for lent I decided to give up on men. Not exactly. More like superficial relationships with men. It's a good step for me. However, you know how it is when you give something up suddenly they are everywhere? IT'S HAPPENING.

Daegu I run into a guy who is a Personal Trainer. He is gorgeous. Funny. Smart. Speaks English (I dig Korean dudes). Likes me.
Yeah, he likes me. He says he likes me. I ask him constantly.

Andong I meet a guy who instantly says, "I will learn more English so I can talk with you." He's tall, handsome, has some tattoos, and has money. He made sure I got home alright and was so sweet. Pretty sure he likes me.

Daegu guy #2 He's a sweet guy. Not so tall but he makes up for it by making me laugh. Likes to party. Kind of a playboy. Likes me.


This doesn't happen...this just doesn't happen. I really like the first guy. He has his imperfections: 1. lives in daegu. 2. kind of childish and crude sense of humor. 3. constantly working

Meh--that's what's going on. When it rains, it pours. :(



I leave you with the words shouted by my sister the first house party I took her to:

TEMPTOR!! TEMPTATION!!



I will persevere!