Lately I've been feeling like my light is going out. The light that used to burn bright within. It gave me energy and a sense of purpose. I had hope for the future because I could see the path I wanted to take. Now it's just burning embers, barely enough light to keep me safe at night.
I've been letting people and life get to me. I feel worn down and frayed around the edges. I used to think I was worthy of love. Now I think I'm just barely good enough to be friend.
I think the problem is that for too long I let others be the source of my light. How they felt and treated me too soon became the only fuel. Of course my light is dying. They can only give me so little and usually they only give enough for a short burst of brilliant light. Once the show is over I'm left in a room that now feels darker than before they came.
I need to tap back into the source. I need to find my happiness again. A reason to wake up every morning. Inspiration and compassion to teach my students. I'm worried my bitterness will influence my moods when it comes to my students. I don't want them to think I don't care.
Problem is, I'm starting not to. I've become too wrapped up in finding surface level pleasure that I gave up the long lasting pleasure my faith and true friends can give me.
Ahhhh, how do I tap into the source?
First, by deleting numbers. Forget the phone at home. Stop becoming obsessed with what someone wants from me. You want me? Come and get me. I'm not going to play this game anymore.
Yeah, you have a gorgeous body. Yeah, you have a beautiful smile.
Screw you, my soul is beautiful. My curves are glorious. My smile will outshine the stars because my inner light will have been fed and be bursting from every part of my body.
Time to start feeding my light with a more sustaining fuel. *sigh*