The last couple of weeks I've been feeling a little outside my usual self. I've been on the verge of tears but my stubborness in thinking "everything is alright" as stopped the flow.
In my selfish desire to protect myself from others I've become detatched and emotionless. I started to feel less genuine with my happiness, sadness, and even anger. I was starting to not care for the people around me. If I didn't care for them then they couldn't hurt me.
This, if you know me, does not mesh well with my personality.
Last night I finally started chipping away at what was really wrong. I finally opened up to the bible study group I've been attending for the past few months. I was afraid to tell them what I was really feeling. I was afraid they'd have hurt feelings that I wasn't ready to open up to them. I wasn't ready to let them in. Because of that I wasn't willing to travel with them or share my deep and personal thoughts. Really, I was also starting to feel like I had nothing to contribute to the group.
Here I am, an emotionally stunted person who can't let the Holy Spirit touch me during my favorite time, worship. When did that happen? When did I become so dry that even the small drops that make their way into my soul dribble off and drip down into space?
So this morning I've really tried to stop and reflect on those questions. Why did I harden my heart? Who am I becoming and is it who I'm destined to become?
A few weeks ago my friend talked about our relationship with God. I'd been brought up to see him as a Father figure but didn't really realize until then that I had "daddy" issues. I've grown up without one so I really didn't know how to see God as a Father.
You ever get that feeling that you've been shown something you weren't ready for? When it's meaning finally hits you you realize that the message has always been there but you weren't ready for it at that time. Or maybe it meant something different to you then as it does now.
Here is the link for the lyrics.
When I first heard this song I thought about how I want God to be proud of me. I wanted to show my willingness to obey and throw myself at his feet.
Now I hear the words "When I look up, will you be smiling at me?" I immediately thought of myself looking up and seeing the face of a Father, nothing definite but the feeling was real. He was bigger than me and behind me pressing me closer to him, hands on my shoulders, looking down at me and smiling.
Suddenly I felt my heart fill. I started to accept the drops the holy spirit has been feeding me, urging life into my parched soul.
Now I think I understand the words of my friend, who posted this last week. I was a little confused by it and just brushed it off as a misinterpretation. The right message for the wrong person.
"I feel like God wants to encourage the power in your gentleness. It's not in spite of your gentleness that you are powerful, but because of it. Proverbs 25:15 "Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone." Turn the hearts of kings with your patience. Break some bones with your gentleness!"
I've been afraid to show gentleness. To show any genuine affection or emotion for fear of putting a chip in the shield that guarded my heart from others. Wow, man. How did you know?