Declaration of Love

My boyfriend of 8 months and I haven't had the best run of things. We come from different cultures and many times miscommunication leads to hurt feelings and cold nights alone.

I've personally tried my best to make sure that things run smoothly. I've been cleaning house, making dinner, greeting him how he likes to be greeted when he comes home from work. I know I'm moody and as my way of saying "Thanks for being so patient" I try to make his life easier by easing some of the stress of coming home to a messy apt can bring.

I've even started to cook some of his favorite foods. It has been a trial for me but I push through it.

I'm not perfect. I'm really moody some times and lately I haven't been very happy. I'm tired all the time and can't hold two thought together. I went to the doctor to have some blood tests done and everything came out normal. I can only assume that I'm depressed again. I know if I can just get outside and exercising again I'll feel better. I just don't have the ENERGY for it. I'm in a bad place.

Previous arguments that we've had were about his insensitivity concerning my weight. I'm a big girl. I'm very sensitive about my weight. He has his own insecurities that I try VERY hard not to mention in public or to him. That includes changing my acutal language and slang. It has been difficult but out of respect for him I've made this sacrifice. In the long run what are a few missing words when it comes to love?

From previous relationships I've found that I'm the one that clings and tries to hold on to something that isn't there. This guy is different. It has only been a couple of weeks that I feel like he's changed his attitude towards me. I know it is because of my weight. I know it. This morning he proved it.

It is my fault for being so sensitive but I can't cry over it anymore. He made a tasteless joke about the suspension of his car on my side being different than his...because of the weight. My side is lower than his.

I want to end this. I'm so tired. I'm not happy with myself so how can I be expected to love and be happy with someone else?

After an argument the other day I asked him to prove to me that he loved me. He has apologized for what he said but today...today was just hurtful. I had asked him to prove to me that he loved me and instead he bared my insecurity and laughed at it.

I want to end this...but I love him. Now I have to ask myself this: Would I rather be lonely than unhappy?

I deserve better

What do you do when you reach that point in your life to do you realize that you deserve better? What if these feelings you have developed are towards a friendship that has been strong for the past 10 years? Holy crap; ten years is shooting low. How about 16 years?


Or a friendship that was going strong but now is starting to fade. The time was short and the pain is more superficial than anything but the pain is still intense.

Or maybe I’m just a jealous person in need of attention when I’m feeling down. My boyfriend wants to fix everything so he tells me he doesn’t like my friend. Well, that doesn’t help and I tell him that. So he changes tactics and says “talk to her.”

“Talk to her.”

Sounds easy but it will be so difficult. When it comes to verbal exchanges with friends I tend to back down and just say “My fault, I misunderstood. I was stupid for thinking that. I’m sorry.” I never hold my ground and then we slip back to what we were. My friend going through her life with little cares, with a huge group of people willing to listen to her and help her through all of life’s difficulties while the accuser is left to be there when she thinks about her.

I gave up being the friend in High School that craved her attention and in fact I even became a little bitter towards her because of it. I forgave her and moved on when I realized I could have my own happy life without her influence on it. However, now we’re back in the same city and it feels like High School all over again. But this time I’m not the wall flower but the butterfly going out and meeting people every weekend. I used to invite her but messages and phone calls were left unanswered. She told me she doesn’t like going to that side of town. So I stopped inviting her.

God it feels like High School again. Except now I know I deserve better.

Can two old friends continue a relationship where one was the dominant and the other the submissive in the past but now they can be on equal ground?

Can I handle any hurt feelings? Who will cry first? Will she care? Will she even answer my message?

Working on the video

This is my first video project EVER that actually needs to be finished. I can't wait to see the finished project. Today I stayed after school for a couple of hours...I must have really looked DILIGENT!!

As soon as it is finished I'll try to see if I can upload it here :) Wouldn't that be neat?

Anyways, life in Andong has been pretty exciting lately. We have a HomePlus!! For those of you who have no idea what that it is...picture a Walmart. A Three Story Super Walmart. Heaven. I'll still buy my veggies and fruits at the market to save money and stress but I can't help but fall in love with the idea of having a huge super mart within walking distance.

I don't have a lot to show right now...I'm sorry. I do want to show some before and after pictures of our down town. Right now it's ripped to shreds! As a part of the deal to allow HomePlus to open up shop in our city they had to promise to beautify the down town area. I'm so freaking excited. Waterfalls, a place to eat food outside, and just plain ol' beauty. I just hope no one drowns or messes up the pretty water.

I finally went to Hahoe village. I went with some amazing people who always tend to get me out of the house and out into the real world to get some culture in me :) The Scenery was amazing....so I'll let my pictures do the talking :)

What do you see in this picture? Hahaha. Now that's what I call Culture!!

Finally I have the video that I made. I got some positive feedback and some negative...so the next one will be better <3 

If it doesn't work I have the video uploaded on youtube :) Please leave a comment if you liked it or not :)


Thanks a lot!!


No joke...6th time

I've tried updating this thing six times. SIX TIMES. So now all I'm going to do is give bullet points:

1. I went to Hahoe Village
2. I made the video for my Saturday Camp
3. I have another camp this weekend.
4. Korea is beautiful



Thank you.

Yes, it has been a year later. My bad. I promise to try to update you more often. Lately I've had a lot more to say about what is going on around me. Stories are just as funny and I think that sometimes a lot of people could use a laugh.

Teaching at Andong Girls' Middle School is full of that for sure!! My first years are darlings but so were my 2nd years last year. What the heck happened? Oh yeah. Puberty. The struggle to be popular. Make up. Boys. Damnit. I can't compete.

Or can I?

This year I'm on fire. I've revamped my lessons. Kicked out the ones that didn't work and replaced them with new and improved ones.

My current lesson plan is all about loving oneself and showing compassion to others.

Why would I construct this lesson? What purpose do I have in making these girls love themselves and others? If you really need to ask that question then you need to seek help. You won't find it here.

Girls at this age are so impressionable about their self worth. In Korea it is 100 times worse. In the past two months two girls have killed themselves. One because of bullying and the other because of the pressure her parents (and teachers) put on her to be the PERFECT student. Both of them broke. They felt they didn't fit in and never would.

It breaks my heart thinking that this is a SOLUTION to a problem. It isn't.

A friend of mine once said, "More people will die of suicide in Korea than they will of car accidents" If you've seen these people drive you would be as shocked as I was.

So, I'm going to make a difference. I want my girls to feel loved, beautiful, special, and awesome. I want them to take those feelings of self worth and respect and shower the world with it. Bullying is NOT an option in my class. Mirrors are banned. Brushes and make up are banned. We are female and we are beautiful Just the Way We Are.

Side note: Make up, mirrors, brushes, etc. are not evil or in anyway horrible inventions. I just don't want them in my classroom. They are a distraction and take away from class time. Not to mention the implication that a girl needs to be 100% all the time. *sigh*


So with my students I'm taking away their sight, hearing, taste, and Touch. Yup. Interesting lesson. I will blind fold them and make them walk around the classroom. I'll put plugs in their ears and make them translate what is being said to them. Basically I'm going to take things away from them that they take for granted--and then I'm going to teach them how to cope. Hopefully this will steer them in the right direction. To think compassionately about those around them who struggle every day with being "different". To offer help and protection against the bully's of the world.

I hope it works. I'm going to be using songs and sign language. If I can get the videos posted on this blog I'll try to show the end project and if the message sunk in or not.

Here's hoping!!

Skip the Engagement! Let's get married!

Hold the phone, people! I'm not married...officially. It happened rather quickly my head is still reeling!

What was I wearing? Kakhis and a nice shirt.
Where there a lot of people there? About 35
What was it like? There was a lot of laughter, knowing smiles, and tears of joy. We were surrounded by people we have genuine affection for. All in all it was a lovely ceremony.

Actually it was one of the funniest classes that I've had in a LONG time.

I was trying to teach my students what "complaining" meant by using an example. I said that when I ask a student to come to the front of the class to speak English I get the same reaction, "Amanda teacher, whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhy? Next-uh. Pass! Englishee NO!" so they are 'complaining'.

It worked in ALL of my classes except one.

One of my students loudly protested that she would not complain and that she'd be happy to stand up in class and speak English. Calling her bluff I invited her to the front of the class where she proceeds to speak in broken English. "Amanda, I love you. You and I, married?"
Before I can even think she grabs my arm, hooks it around hers, and starts walking me down the aisle. SHe is, of course, humming the wedding march as we walk. I'm laughing so hard I have tears welling up in my eyes. When we finish our walk I gently push her back to her desk and try my best to compose myself.
I've already lost the students but I know with a few stern words I'll have them back on track.

Still, the memory makes me smile.

My 'husband's' name? : Delete (English Name).

Love it.

Attack of the Ajuma

Yes, it has finally happened. I have been "attacked" by the sweet elderly women that live here in Korea.
Don't be fooled by their sweet appearances and their crooked smiles. Beneath that facade is a woman on a mission.

1. It happened on a nice warm night. I was at the store with a friend buying some last minute items for dinner when this sweet old lady came walking in. Immediately she spots me and starts rambling in Korean. Being the kind waygook (foreigner) that I am I smile happily and say 감사합니다 (kamsamnida=thank you) because I'm pretty sure she was complimenting me by picking up some of the words she was saying like 예쁘다 (yeppuda=pretty).
Anyways, I'm going about my business and finally head towards the check out. I'm talking to Jasmine while the clerk rings up my order. Out of NO WHERE this woman sneaks up from behind and starts to pat my butt all the while rambling in Korean. I freeze out of pure shock.
This woman is touching me.
Then she goes in for the pinch. I jump and I'm pretty sure I squealed or sqeaked...some kind of noise squeezed between my lips. I start blushing up a storm, Jasmine can't help but laugh, and that lovely woman is laughing and still babbling in Korean. The clerk is embarassed and just keeps his head low while I'm left to defend myself against the gropings of what seemed to be a sweet old lady.

Be warned--don't turn your backs on them!

2. I was at dinner with a friend of mine when the server, a middle aged woman, suddenly sits down next to me and grabs my hand. She then proceeds to start speaking to me (in Korean) all the while stroking my hand. She doesn't stop there. She then starts touching my face and repeating the word "아기" (ah-gee) which means baby in Korean. I didn't know what to do! Would it be rude for me to jerk my hand away and ask her to not touch me? She wasn't causing harm or really creepy about it but it was still really unnerving to have a complete stranger touching me.


The culture is totally different here. Where I'm used to having my own personal space no matter where I go or the relationship I have with a person HERE you generally have to forfeit any ideas of ever having my space to myself. Boys holding hands is OK. People draped all over each other (at school level) is OK. Even at the bars we'll see a lot of affectionate touching between the same sex.
What I kind of admire about it is that it's not sexual. Whenever my friend talks to me and wants to offer encouragement she sees nothing wrong with wrapping her arms around my shoulders and giving an affectionate side-hug. Holding hands...my students do it out of habbit when we happen to be walking down the street (don't worry we come to our senses before anything happens =P).
Oh goodness: HOLDING HANDS! It's like people cannot talk to you without some sort of physical link between the two of you. It's mainly between women but, again, I've seen it between the men.

So strange!

I like it =D